Spending time with myself

I took some time tonight to clean and cook and prepare myself for tomorrow. I am doing an all day silent meditation retreat. A couple years ago when I wasn’t working I took an 8 week mindfulness course and this retreat was an optional part of it now I have the chance to experience it

One year ago today I took my first shambhala class. Now I am half way through my 3rd it has been very interesting so far. I feel like I have slowed things down. I was much more nerveous and reactive. Trained in improv and crisis intervention it is to be expected.

I am more interested now in really being an ally to myself to speak kindly and be gentle and forgiving towards myself and others. I feel like I am watching myself through a camera I can play with the focus plus back to get a greater view slow dlown. I am the director or rather the person in the control room watching the tapes and getting to choose how long a scene will play out.

I remember how impatient I was when will this be over are we there yet lots of resistance to the present moment fearing it was a waste of time. I still get in that cycle it seem less frequent.

I have a way to relax to calm down. I can self regulate. It is cool how the effects of things come much later and now I have a deeper appreciation. Little realizations little bursts of thoughts and feeling come to me and its like hmm look at that isn’t that neat. I just turn my attention one way and it all shits and I am out of the cycle. I realise others get caught up in cyles too and I have compassion for them.

I felt connected to the idea I am my best friend as I was cleaning tonight think look at me being an adult.

Last night I was walking to meet the guy who offered to give me a ride I was a minute late but I was on my way. He decided to leave and saw me walking to pick me up – he didn’t get mad I felt forgiven. It was a nice moment later on in the course it was said.

When others are annoying you it is your chance to re frame the situation and go oh this is my chance to practice love and kindness. We are all part of the human experience we are in it together.

Friendliness towards self and mercy to others

I forgive others I have them a pass right off the bat over and over

because I now I have to do it 3 times more to myself.

Loneliness is normal they say the more you practice but it is natural and there is also great joy as you become more vulnerable. I let go of my solide ideas of seeing others as obstacles /distractions in my way to obtain goals. We can stop and connect be here now smell the roses so to speak. I can feel being part of something instead of being seperate and different. Humbled by the vastness of nature. Aw strucked relaxed and ok breath in and wow. There is a spark in my eye and upliftedness in my heart a giving benevolent energy emerges.

Two sides uplighting of sky and the groundlessness of earth and I am in the middle feeling both directions.

Wow I love how this all came together it’s all very amusing.

Yesterday’s pose was hero which looks great and fits nicely in the meditation centre I was at yesterday. They talk about warrior training its like you are you’re own hero.

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