What do I want? I remember when I had a passion for going ot school and learning new things about health and psychology when I had a passion for swing dancing and exercise when I was ambitious about getting a good job when I was in high school, about making a family of friends about living in a lovely apartment with the people i loved living close by and being able to walk to work about living debt free.
I wonder what it is that I want now? Well I invited a bunch of people to a party and I feel hurt that they do not rsvp. I do not like being ignored it happens every so often when I write a message and the person doesnt respond. Sure a delay is fine but it just feels bad to be right out ignored. Sure they might not know there schedule or not sure about going because they do not know the people or like the event proposed or tired or want to see how they feel to decided at the last minute.
I guess to be free from my thoughts about people. Just seems like I need another goal besides that something fun something that is just for me.
I think about a yoga teacher I know she seems so cool, calm and comfortable at peace i like that for myself also I like that she has a project and interests like wresling and female friendships. It’s just a look from the outside. I spend a lot of time trying to be attractive to others how I look to others how I seem and I am thinking more how I want to feel for me. I booked myself I massage after work tomorrow.
I have been valuing rest more and more lately just lying in bed and just breath is all i need sometimes to get out of the fog of daily life to feel better to just be with myself. Pillow talk with myself enjoying the silence.
Going to plays and movies seems just like busy work. I can sit and watch my life go by to just be sure it is fine. Doing is also fine. I want to do something that just thrills me. A passion I can feel and get excited about.
Others maybe be a stimulus but they are not the cause of my suffering my thoughts are the cause of my suffering so people can do what they will I am responsible to tame my mind cultivate my thoughts which will cultivate feelings and actions.
I saw this the other day and laughed there is some truth to it for me at least haha.